The most distracting thing about this film is how obviously Cameron Diaz has been digitally touched up in every single scene/frame. Her face is so digitally smoothed out (mainly forehead lines, crows feet around the eyes, cheeks and turkey neck) that I believe that what is on screen is more a CGI character than a human being. I wouldn’t bat an eyelid if it was revealed that this is another of Andy Serkis’ MoCap performances. It would be one of his best too, he has her cuntishness down to a tee. It’s uncanny.

It’s a stupidly vain decision considering her character is meant to be a woman with her youth behind her. Diaz must be so deeply self centred and shallow that she’ll actually insist on film-makers digitally scrubbing her now haggard features to the detriment of story and character.

A better, and probably cheaper, choice would be not to cast her at all. Ever. Are people really drawn to see a film because of her obnoxious ego, Madonna-esque appearance and, at best, “broad” acting style?

Elsewhere, I’m supposed to sympathise with J-Lo because she might not be able to afford the massive new mansion in which to raise her Ethiopian designer adoption baby and might have to stay in her massive city flat instead. Heartbreaking.

Anna Kendrick is woefully wasted in the role of the one who doesn’t get to keep her baby (spoiler: it dies). She’s better than this, she really is.

Even Brooklyn Deckers tits look smaller than they did in Battleship/Just Go With It, and they saved those films.

That leaves it to Elizabeth Banks to prop up the whole syrupy mess and still get given third billing behind the two oh-so-relevant-in-this-day-&-age divas. She does her best, as she did in Zack & Miri, but she can only do so much damnit, she’s not Superman!

Despite two of the pregnancies being unwanted/unplanned, there is never any mention, discussion or even utterance of the word abortion and the only mother to take the epidural (after all refuse it) nearly dies. The Christian Right have their paw prints all over what amounts to a 100 minute advertisement for how God would like you to bear your children. They even bang on about circumcision being the “natural” way.

P.S. There are also some scenes with some Dads every now and then to keep the boyfriends interested. They needn’t have bothered.

~ The Soft Southerner

Proof that fun can still be had in under 2hrs and without cinematically drowning puppies. 

Summer 2012 has become a very busy place indeed. We’ve already had the bar set astronomically, some say unsurpassably, high by The Avengers - both critically and  financially.

Still to come are two of the years most anticipated films; The Dark Knight Rises/Prometheus, more from Pixar, a credible looking take on Snow White, Tim Burton/Johnny Depp, more from The Expendables and family favourite sequels from Ice Age/Madagascar to name but a few.

Amid this genuinely strong looking Summer line-up, Sony has pinned it’s hopes to three films that, at first glance, it seemed nobody wanted to see.

The Internet, as we all know, is a predominantly occupied by stone casting trolls who seem hell bent on bringing films down before they’ve even finished shooting. 

The Amazing Spider-Man has been one of the most talked about films of this year, and not always for good reason. The announcement to reboot the franchise was met with almost unanimous disdain, as was the first teaser trailer. The tide has slowly been turning as the marketing has been ramped up with people begrudgingly moving from “I am going to hate this movie” to “We’ll wait and see…” to “Actually, this looks pretty fucking cool”. 

The same can be said for the upcoming Total Recall. Another of those black sheep reboots, this at least looks different to it’s predecessor, more in the vain of Minority Report than Arnie’s lurid trip to Mars. It’s not stopped the devotees emptying pram-fulls of toys all over the shop but again, only time will tell (and actually watching the damn thing).

Then there’s MiB3. Reaction to this has been a lot quieter, primarily because no one could find the requisite amount of passion stirred within to even comment on it. It seemed destined to simply come and go, unnoticed alongside the Summers bigger offerings.  

Coming 15 years after its début and a decade after a globally panned sequel, not only did returning to this particular well seem like desperation on the part of Will Smith but the MiB franchise also felt decidedly dated amongst contemporary Comic Book films. Lacking the marquee names found in Marvels universe or the dark and gritty realism of the DC direction, the Men In Black carry an after-school cartoon feel that is at odds with where we are right now. And this turns out to be its strength. 

Despite being met with groans of “Why bother?” after a ten year gap between this and it’s mostly despised Part 2, MiB3 goes a long way to not only neuralising the memory of that film, but also matching Part 1.

The time-travel hook actually works here rather than remaining the refuge of the writer who’s run out of places to go.

Conspiring to send J back to 1969 to save K not only allows for the inspired casting of Josh Brolin as the young Tommy Lee Jones (he’s really as good as everyone is saying he is) but it also sees the film embrace its out of date short comings. The original Men In Black might have been the coolest film of 1997, but that won’t wash in 2012 and they know it.

The one thing you have to applaud the MiB films for is the consistency of tone. Across the 3 films and 15 years the film-makers have maintained the easy going, free-wheeling spirit of the first film without conceding to the fallacy that “bigger = better” when it comes to developing a franchise or pandering to current trends.

As old fashioned and uncool as MiB3 is, it wears its heart on its sleeve. And there’s a lot more heart this time out.

Where it might not reach the comedic heights of the first film it compensates with things such as character development and sentiment, only not nearly as terrible as that sounds. It’s not Jane Austin but it’s touching within its own world. 

Your enjoyment of MiB3 will be dependant on how much you already feel for that world. Taken for what it is, MiB3 is a fine addition to a fun and knowingly uncool universe.

It remains to be seen whether there is still an audience out there for this, but those that do have a soft spot for the sharp suits, dry wit and retro alien design needn’t be twice shy.

~ The Soft Southerner